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Gaetano Donizetti two daughters Gaetano Donizetti two daughters, Marie and Antonette, were seen dating George Allegri's son. We don't see this working out. Donizetti's are Romantics and Allegri is a Renaissance man. Besides, why does he have to date two of them at the same time. Everyone knows that it's hard enough to keep up romancing one Romantic but to try to keep up with two of them. That's just plan crazy. Besides, Allegri is just a little too late to date a real Romantic. Although when you think about it Marie Antonette when said together does have a nice ring to it. It reminds me of Strauss' children names are Dolly, Madison, John, and Henry. To top of page |
| UFO landing this week Wolfgang Mozart reported another UFO landing this week. It was his third this week. Everyone knows he exaggerates
like a politician during a campaign. His neighbor, George Handel and his three daughters said flying saucers
only visited his farm two times last week. Come on, Wolfgang why must you exaggerate so much. He keeps insisting
that his wife's last baby is from an Alien father. He actually believes that she was knocked up by an Alien.
We all know she was knocked up by one of those seed salesman from the big city. But to be fair to Wolfgang,
he did get a 25% discount off of the seeds he purchased. But we don't think his wife should have name the kid
after the salesman. But than again, he is still getting those big discounts on his seed purchases. |
| Hevalock City Council votes to set up extraterrestrial zone in the new Business Park.
It a move that is sure to bring in more business, open up new markets and spur economic growth the Hevalock City Council votes unanimously to set aside land in the new business park solely for aliens. Lately, reports of flying saucers have been increasing worldwide and we want to be the first official invitation for them to do business with someone from earth. Last week alone, there were two local confirmed sightings. "After flying billions of miles, they are probably just looking for a place to stop and relax, stretch their legs (or legs as the case may be), eat at one of our fine restaurants, and maybe even take in a little fishing. Once they are here we can show them the Business Park and our friendly tax incentives for businesses locating here." This new park will have the first government approved alien-landing zone. There will be security guards, parking space, and clean rest rooms available. Several astrophysics from the Hevalock Institute of Technology have been consulted to set up life support services when the landings take place. An ordinance has been passed giving aliens the same legal rights as any other non-US Citizen. This would make it illegal for anyone to harm or kill an alien. Current US law does not make it illegal to kill or harm an alien. This law should encourage aliens to visit now that they can be free to walk the streets without the fear of being harmed. Some council members argued this is a moot point since their ray guns could blast anyone and are obviously more powerful than our guns. It was finally determined that the law was a symbolic gesture. The Hevalock welcome wagon is preparing a package to welcome any alien wishing to settle in the area. There were several member of the 'Church of Designated Sinners,' who protested the ordinance claiming that any alien must be demonic is origin and must be destroyed. Several members of the NRA also protested that the bill took away their right to defend themselves against an alien invasion. Both groups were voted down as just being stupid. The Perpetual Penitence of Sinners twice Reformed and Free Church of the Lord, Independent requested that they be made the official Saturday night social for the aliens. There was protests from the Catholics who complained that they already have too much of a monopoly with the Christian beer drinkers. Both sides were reminded of the separation of church and state prevented either group from being made the official anything. However, they could each hang an 11 by 17 poster up at the site inviting them to their respective socials, as long as it didn't refer to religion. They could reference beer and dancing but that was it. To Top |
| Hevalock Medical Association promotes three doctors. Three Hevalock physicians were promoted recently from the status of 'practicing physicians' to the status of 'real physicians. "We think it's time that this black mark on the profession is removed by finally providing enough training for physicians so they can gain the expertise they need to move past the status of 'practicing' and become proficient enough to actually be called 'real.'" One board member was quoted as saying. The board is currently review all other 'practicing physicians' to see if they any other physicians quality. This is believed the be the first time in the United States that physicians have earned this status. To Top |
| Council meeting held to discuss the new bridge linking the north and south sides of Hevalock over the Cannonball River.
The debate at city hall was intense, almost vicious at time. It was after midnight before the Mayor adjourned the meeting without a vote. Duke Ellington, who appeared to be the leader of the south side, stood up first and listed their main reason for wanting a 4-lane bridge across the Cannonball River. The big issue was trade. All the main roads enter from the north side and since the traffic connecting the two sides can be backed up for blocks, most of the shoppers do not patronize any of the businesses on the south side. The north side of Hevalock, led by J. C. Bach and his relatives; C.P.E Bach and W.F. Bach said they don't want the seedy south (called that because of all of the seed dealers on the south side) and their dirty, dusty trucks driving through the north side because of a new bridge. The north side wants the trucks to keep taking the bypass road around the city to reach the south side. Some of the farmers on the north side, mainly in the Baroque farming district, depend on the seed dealers and live on the north side of the Cannonball stood up and complained. (Most of the Baroque farming district has been strong supports of the Classic Party in the past.) The bypass was an extra 5 miles out of their way. Their protest was led by J.S. Bach. Who, incidentally, is related to the other Bach's who live in more expensive Classical area of Hevalock. J.S. farms in the Baroque region. At this time the meeting got a little personal and heated when J.C. Bach stood up and accused J. S. Bach of not being true to his heritage by supporting Duke Ellington and the more Jazzy part of town. Of course, JS immediately accused JC of deviating from family tradition. Besides, he went on to say that it's about time some of the people on the south side give up some of the old traditions of Europe and develop their own American traditions. As expected, it brought many boos from the Classical's and even from his own farming region of Baroque. At this point Billie Holiday stood up (along with her traditional flower in her hair) and sang praise for J.S. Bach and his modern day thinking. Although what she had to say was so beautiful it was obvious Duke Ellington rehearsed her before the meeting. By this time the meeting had become so uncontrollable it was adjourned by Mayor Geroge W. Lackluster. Next week the council will take up the issue of how the bridge will be financed. The south side wants to raise taxes in Cannonball and the surrounding area but the north side, dominated by the Classics (not to be confused with the Classicals) refuse to raise taxes. Next week's meeting is sure to be as lively as tonight was. This will sure be on November's ballot. J Cash reporting. To Top |
| One smelly son-of-a-bitch.
The Jones' dog was spotted humping another bitch last night. It was the third night in a roll that someone has reported this. We don't know if this phenomenal is because there are a lot of unneutered horny dogs running loose or if someone just has too much time on their hands to watch out for things like this. Obviously if you have a bitch in heat and don't want her knocked up by the Jones' dog we suggest that you lock her up. Just keeping her tied up in the back yard won't do. The Jones' dog can be described as one dirty, smelly son-of-a-bitch. It's a large dog that looks like a black lab with long shaggy hair that has never been washed. We don't know its name, but it doesn't matter because the Jones's said he won't come if you call him anyway. They asked that you call them with any information leading to the capture of this canine. "He's friendly and probably won't bite anyone," they said. The owner of the last bitch he shagged said that if he catches him he will take a knife to his balls and do what the Jones' should have done a long time ago. When Mr. Jones was contacted about that comment he said, "Fine with me. I can't afford the 50 bucks a vet would charge. I'll even buy the guy a beer if he does it." The local chapter of PETA said that it's inhumane to castrate an animal without the proper training and anesthetics. We called Sheriff Wilbur Tickets and asked if it is illegal to castrate animals without the proper training and anesthetics. "Hell," the Sheriff was quoted as saying, "for a free beer I'll castrate him myself. But if someone does see him running around and can get a clean shot at him, they are welcomed to shoot him. We don't like stray dogs running around out here. A dog like that could kill one of the farmer's sheep." When Sheriff Tickets was asked if he was concerned about PETA raising hell if someone would shoot the dog Sheriff Tickets said that it doesn't matter because next month Jason will go back to school and then there won't be any PETA members in town until Jason returns for Christmas break and by then no one will care. To Top |
| Council meeting to be held tonight.
Mayor Lackluster announced an emergency council meeting tonight to discuss the annexation of more farmland to build a new Super Barrier-Mart. Mayor Lackluster said that the number of jobs they will create demands we move to approve the annexation and permits immediately. "It's just the boost our local economy needs right now," he was quoted as saying. The meeting will be held tonight at 7:00 PM in council room 12B. Lunch of cold cuts, sandwiches, pop, and coffee will served immediately afterwards. "That's another example of how those fine folks of Super Barrier-Mart like to help in our community,'' the Mayor was quoted as saying. We recorded the comments the mayor said on our new truth analyzer. (See article about how we obtain it) Mayor Lackluster had this to say about why he scheduled a meeting tonight." Barrier-Mart promised to sell my brother their old store for one half of the appraised value if I find them more land to build one of their super stores and make sure they get the required permits they need. If they went through the normal channels for the permits they would never get away with the blatant violation they propose. I realize their claim that they create new jobs is bull but the back door financial rewards they are giving me are just to great to pass up. It's a well know fact they destroy more jobs than they create by decimating most of the small retail businesses in the area The real reason I'm scheduling an emergency meeting tonight instead of waiting until next month was so the opposition wouldn't have a chance to get organized. To Top |