In reminiscence of being twelve year old and asking for a 'do over,' a member of North Dakota's Racing Commission resigned last week and then asked the Governor for a 'do over.' In what appeared to be a temper tantrum James Clement resigned when he didn't get his way. He claimed the other members weren't playing fair when the commission voted three to two with Clement on the losing side.

Strong thunderstorms battered sections of North Dakota on Monday by 100-MPH winds. Residents in parts of the state clean up the wreckage of grain bins, tree limbs and buildings destroyed by 100-mph wind from earlier storms. One official was quoted as saying, "it's just not fair, when Florida is hit by a hurricane that sometimes doesn't even reach 100-MPH it's covered by all the news agency."

It was 10 years ago this year that the first biotech crops were introduced to the world's agricultural industry. To celebrate the day there will be the three legged chicken run.

The statewide smoking ban goes into effect in August. A smoking ban that was made virtually worthless so it could pass legislation vote goes into effect August 1st. "Other states were all passing bans of smoking so we wanted to do something to so we wouldn't look like backward idiots. But don't blame us. We just followed the Fargo law"

Bush, while senate is in recess, claims he can enact his own legislation. In a statement released by President Bush's office today Attorney General Gizo said that based on his interpretation of the law that gives the president the authority to appoint judges and Bolton as Ambassador to the UN while Congress is on recess also gives him the authority to enact legislation. The first law that Bush plans the enact is to require Congress to stay in recess until January 2006. The administration feels that this will be a very popular move since the public has such a low opinion of Congress anyway. To top of page

Demos cite the newly discovered Iraqi 'house of horrors' as another example of Bush's failure to equip American forces with the latest technology and equipment. A statement issued by Howard 'the duck' Dean was reported to say ," Our troupes had to resort to low tech forms of torture in our prisons. All they had to use were their own resources like stripping the prisoners naked, threatening them with dogs, and a few old fashion beatings. In the Iraqi torture chambers they had the high tech stuff like electric shock treatments. It's just another example of how Bush doesn't have a clue of what our troops are doing." To top of page

Fargo, ND The 4 day drought is finally over. The worst drought of the year finally comes to an end in eastern North Dakota. Local farmers were becoming concerned that the area was returning to the dry days of the '30's. To top of page

In an interview today the CIA chief claims to know exactly Bin Laden is hiding but he refuses to tell anyone. The only thing this administration had managed to gain the support of the American public is the war on terrorist. If we capture Bin Laden president could quickly become the most unpopular president since Richard Nixon.

In a statement issued by Condi Grain, "When President Bush made the claim anyone harboring Bin Laden would be treated as terrorists themselves we didn't know we would be bogged down in Iraq. At the time he made the statement he forgot that he was also planning to invade Iraq."

Once Devils Lake starts to overflow natural it is will not be subject to international law because it becomes a natural occurrence. The City of Devils Lake has been trying to use as much water as possible in a vane attempt to keep the water levels from entering the city. The residence had been order to flush their toilets twice every time and they were required to water their lawns every day regardless if it rains or not. In addition, everyone has been told to drink more water. But that hasn't seemed to help a lot. This had the residences confused why they were ordered to do this since their water comes from wells and not the lake. City officials refused to comment.

Canadian officials have accused the current administration of deliberately ignoring carbon dioxide levels to encourage global warming and hence wetter conditions to cause the lake to overflow naturally. "It was just a loophole that President Brush found," one unnamed Canadian official said. "The US has been scheming for year to drain Devils Lake into Canada."

The Brush administration denied Canada's accusations. One administration official was heard saying, "Didn't the Clinton administration trade North Dakota to Canada with NAFTA?" To top of page

ND State Senator Dumbass (Mott) after reviewing the state budget for the first time was outraged when he discovered that there were 28 million dollars earmarked for capital construction. "Our state capital doesn't need to have any improvement this year. Our capital is already a really big building. Why do we need it to be bigger. I already get scared when I take the elevator up to the top. And I don't even want to think about the basement.." When informed that capital construction did not mean "Capital" construction he said, "yeah, right. Next you're going to tell me the contract I have that says I purchased the Brookline Bridge for ten thousand dollars isn't real either."

The staff member was heard saying later. "I hate first term senators from this state." To top of page

ND State Senator Dumbass (Mott) after reviewing the state budget for the first time was outraged when he discovered that there were 28 million dollars earmarked for capital construction. "Our state capital doesn't need to have any improvement this year. Our capital is already a really big building. Why do we need it to be bigger. I already get scared when I take the elevator up to the top. And I don't even want to think about the basement.." When informed that capital construction did not mean "Capital" construction he said, "yeah, right. Next you're going to tell me the contract I have that says I purchased the Brookline Bridge for ten thousand dollars isn't real either."

The staff member was heard saying later. "I hate first term senators from this state." To top of page

In a final act of desperation the North Dakota Senate passed a resolution declaring the State of Minnesota a hostile country. "We don't understand," Representative Dumbass (Mott) said. " When our kids graduate from college they all move there just because they have higher paying jobs and a better future Don't they understand that they are also more liberal, have higher taxes and Minneapolis is smelly and really scary." To top of page

North Dakota Legislation passed a bill requiring Agriculture Secretary Joeass, a lawyer and politician by profession, to personally taste all beef entering from Canada. The bill, just signed by Governor Hover, requires anyone who has the authority to approve importing food into the state to demonstrate personally that the food is safe by eating it everyday. Originally the bill required that the Secretary would just be required to have the food tested a lab. However, the bill would not have passed unanimously in the Senate without the support of several western Senators. In a surprise showing of complete cooperation between both political parties, they decide to make the change so the bill would have unanimous support.

The House of Representatives were ready to pass the bill in it's original form until there was an objection from Senator Dumb-ass (Mott, ND), Since the bill was a stupid idea anyway and there was no way in hell the Secretary of Agriculture would actually give a rat's ass about what the bill said everyone involved thought 'what-the-hell' and made the change. Besides, for most of the legislatures, it was only a gesture of contempt to the Federal Government that they decided to go along with the bill in the first place. They felt is was more polite than for all of them to stand in line by the airport when the Secretary visited the state and give him the finger like originally suggest. The final bill passed unanimously in both chambers. To top of page

North Dakota Legislation passed a bill to make the state liquor laws more confusing. Representative Berserk (Fargo) sponsored the bill after a ski trip to Utah. "After witnessing the liquor laws in Utah I realized that maybe we could do the same in North Dakota. The liquor laws in Utah are so confusing many people never try to drink because it just gets to hard to try to figure out how to get a drink, Why couldn't we do the same thing in North Dakota. "

The new liquor law will become effective starting this Thanksgiving. It will only affect two holidays; Thanksgiving and Christmas. If it works as planned and liquor sales drop enough because of the confusion the legislatures will considering add Sundays to the bill. Starting this Thanksgiving, liquor sales will be restricted to between the hours of 12 noon and 8:00 PM, unless there is snow on the ground. Than the hours will be reduced to 4:00 PM. The bill did not define where the snow had to fall. For Christmas the bill stated if there was snow on the ground on Christmas eve than the bars would have to close by 4:00 PM on Christmas eve otherwise it would be Christmas day when the bars had to close by 4:00 PM. Except on leap year. On leap year the bars could optional go back to the old rules. Since there is an extra day on leap year, the legislatures felt people would have enough time to waste several of those drinking in the bar. To top of page

North Dakota DOT announces the start of an annual race I-94. "We have 350 miles of straight highway. It's a natural." The ND DOT spokesman said. "We expect this to be the fastest long distance race in the World." Sunday July 7th was set for the first race. It will cover 700 miles and start at Fargo, ND. They will race to the Montana boarder and back. Two cars will leave every 5 minutes. Anyone entering the race will have to demonstrate they can maintain speeds of excess of 200 MPH for a minimum of 2 hours. They will be given four hours to complete the race. All other traffic will be stopped until the race is completed. ND DOT expects the amount of money we raise from the race should cover the annual maintenance of the interstate for the year. To top of page

In an announcement yesterday in NEW YORK researchers have found a new use for Viagra. The erectile-dysfunction drug used by more than 26 million men can also be used to treat lung disease. The drug will start clinical trials next month under the stipulation {based on the Supreme Court's decision regarding marijuana) that anyone who takes Viagra for lung problems can not use the erection they get for sex. It is a clear violation of the Supreme Court Ruling that drugs that can be used for both medicinal and recreational purposes can be easily abused and it is more important to keep people from using it for pleasure than allowing those who need the drugs for health purposes to use the drug. The FDA's permission was conditional that the drugs can only used until the approval of a more dangerous drug. To top of page

In what scientists called the biggest caper in Universal history. One moment there it was and the next it was simply missing. Giants from the plant M-10345 are suspected," an anonymous scientist said. To top of page

In what was identified by Scientist as a clever plot by the shellfish themselves, the fishing industry was warned not to harvest any shellfish until further notice. It appears that somehow the shellfish themselves figured out if they bring in microscopic algae such as the dinoflagellate Alexandrium tamarense into the bay and eat what is harmless to themselves they can not be safely eaten by humans. They got the idea from reading an old story about animal right activists dyeing the coats of white baby seals so the baby seals would not be killed and skinned for their valuable coats. To top of page

WASHINGTON -- The U.S. Supreme Court ruled Monday that it is illegal to use medical marijuana. In a related ruling, the Supreme Court has also ruled drinking a glass of red wine everyday for health purposes will also be banned. The court wants to make it clear that the use of any drug that can also be used as pleasure must be stopped. Drugs are to be used either for medicinal or recreational purposes but not for both.

It will just become too confusing for our law enforcement officers. If someone is going to be treated for a disease, it should not be fun. "We suspect there are people dying of cancer just so they can get around the marijuana laws," one of the justices was quoted anonymously. "It is better to have a few people die or be miserable the rest of their short life then it is to allow a few to abuse the system and have fun. If they need pain relief they should take their chances with the more addictive pain pills like everyone else."

"Doctors must also learn that the welfare of their patients is not as important as the laws of the federal government, regardless of the will of the people. Who do these people in California and Oregon think they are; passing laws that the federal government is against. We must stop this tide towards democracy." The opinion read. It is interesting to note, one of the most conservative members of the court voted to allow medical use of medical marijuana. To top of page

It has been discovered that dolphins have been teaching each other how to use tools. They were caught using a corkscrew to open a bottle of wine that was tossed overboard of a cruise ship. Scientists have finally learned why dolphins have been following cruise ships for year. One marine biologist was quoted as saying, "they must really like wine or be very diligent because they have been following cruise ships for years and this is the first time that we know where they have actually retrieved a bottle of wine. Just think, all these years we have known they liked corkscrews, but we always thought they liked them because they were shiny. Boy, do we have egg on our face." Top of Page

PASADENA, California (DAP) -- The Mars rover Opportunity resumed rolling freely across the Martian surface Saturday after an unknown creature freed it from a sand dune where it had been mired for nearly five weeks. It was hopelessly stuck for five weeks. An anonymous source said, "one day the batteries were not taking enough charge to power the wheels anymore and it was stuck in a sand dune three deep feet. The next day it was five feet away from the hole and the batteries look like they are brand new. We aren't sure what happened but when you pan the camera out to the left it looks like there are tracks leading up to and away from the rover. When the camera was extended and focused back on the rover it looked like the battery case had been pried open. It also looked like someone peed on the tires. " Officially NASA has declined comment. To top of page

The US Secretary of Defense Donald Duck, in a speech to cadets explained what happened to our policy in North Korea. {as interrupted by out truth analyzer} "The problem started when the President used North Korea as the bad guy in his first presidential address. It wasn't really his fault. At the time he didn't know we were going to have a war of terrorism and we needed some kind of enemy to focus on when we needed a distraction from our own domestic failure. Hindsight is always better. If we had any clue about what was going one, we would not have provoked Kim Jong Il. How were we to know that he would go wacko on us. This is really the fault of the prior administration. If they would have emphasized stronger how nuts Kim Jong II really was the President wouldn't have tried to provoke him so much. Also, if we would not have bungled the war of terrorist so bad we would have more resources to devote to North Korea. But I'm sure we can get this solved in enough time so everyone forgets about our screw up to make a good showing at the next elections." To top of page

In an attempt to punish disobedient police officers the City of Houston is about the crack down on Jaywalking. "This is the perfect punishment for officers who are a pain in the ass to the department but don't really cause any serious problems," the Chief of Police was quoted as saying. "We will just put them on Jaywalking patrol for several weeks." The overall cost of the program will more than be covered with the additional fines we make. We project that this could be the first money making punishment program for city employees in cities history. "All we ask from the public is for them to understand that this is not a replacement of stopping dangerous criminals. It's only a form of punishment to our naughty officers," an anonymous source said. To top of page

Clerks from three convenience stores reported the same thing. When asked to describe the mask they all said that it was so lifelike that they actually thought the President was walking into the store. One of the clerks was interviewed at home after the incident and she was quoted as saying, "my grandfather said, 'it looks like the same person who robbed me of my pension three years ago." To top of page

"It's not our fault that we happen to have a bunch of dumb kids in school during our Administration." Secretary of Education Peggy Punctuation stated. {as interpreted by out Truth Analyzer}"It's only a coincidence that test scores have been dropping during our administration. It's not fair that that the last administration happened to get all of the smart kids in school and now we have to deal with the dumb kids. I mean, it's just not fair. The prior administration got the good economy, less poverty, smarter kids, more world peace and as soon as we take over all of this good luck goes down the toilet. There have been times were I felt like switching parties just because of their good luck."
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Jennifer Bankroll should be sentenced to one year of community service washing dishes and scrubbing kitchen floors. She should be forced to do this 7 days a week for 365 days in a row with no days off. Maybe she will learn what work and responsibility is all about. But first she should be taking out behind the courthouse and given a spanking by the sheriff using a narrow belt. Something she obviously was lacking when she was growing up. Fining her does not mean crap to her; she will just do what she has always done. Go to her mommy and daddy and have them bail her out. Top of Page